*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
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*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats