One cake enters. No cake leaves.
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I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.