I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
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[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
The first one, obviously
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk