Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
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Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.