couldn’t resist
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There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Bobby pin
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it