50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
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Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.