Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
You Might Also Like
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible