*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
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Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…