Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
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[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*