Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
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Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I love it all