I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
You Might Also Like
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
🦝🔥🦝🔥
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!