I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
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Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Cheer up.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.