ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
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[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2