Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
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What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”