And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
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Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Ummm
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family