Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
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*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Aw man, but that’s the best part
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am