“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
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My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.