[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
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Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.