Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
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5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Breaking news:
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh