Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
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My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
“TGIM!” – My liver
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?