My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
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I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth