CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
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If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor