For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
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Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok