Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
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I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no