Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
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The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
the saddest jazz hands ever
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]