“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
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Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?