Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
You Might Also Like
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
All is fair in drunk and war.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp