What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
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If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
OH. COME. ON.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
There is no “we” in pizza
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Personal question. #JustSaying
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork