Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
You Might Also Like
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
BEST FRIEND: Dude I鈥檓 broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don鈥檛 believe his lies
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son鈥檚 train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
I need a plethora of Pi帽atas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Pal: I thought you weren鈥檛 supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren鈥檛 food. They鈥檙e itty bitty water balloons.
three things we don’t talk about
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia鈥檚 closed.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
That鈥檚 me in the corner, that鈥檚 me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat鈥檚 attention
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we鈥檙e feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
馃摳: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
A water park, but it鈥檚 just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
– “I love Beyonc茅…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Voldemort: I鈥檓 here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I鈥檒l come back when he鈥檚 10
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.