911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
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Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
A man of commitment.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.