[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
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A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.