hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
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These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
bought wrong eggs
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.