My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
You Might Also Like
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
*weighs self after shaving
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life