Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
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compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Bring back the McRib
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
What if the weather talks about us?
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?