If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
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“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
#growingpains
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”