“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
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Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
This is I, Robot all over again
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.