I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
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Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
this is funnier than any friends episode
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Perfect
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos