I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
You Might Also Like
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.