[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
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I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
When you’ve simply given up.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer