Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
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Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Good point.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Dead sexy!!
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
True
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”