Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
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When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
my retirement plan is braless
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I mean…but I did
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.