me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
You Might Also Like
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.