Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
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It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean