Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
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10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..