*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
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“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks