Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
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When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
my proudest tweet
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I am yelling
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….