ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
You Might Also Like
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Traveler’s camo
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Good point.