German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
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A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
this makes me so uncomfortable
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
My neck my back my allergy attack
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.