Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
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[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid