Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
You Might Also Like
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
me and the Superbowl rn
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
reduce, reuse, recycle
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly